So I've been pretty MIA from the blogosphere since my last trimester where I ended up being on bedrest, and then hospital bedrest since March, and ultimately having my twins at 35 weeks on March 24th. And now after a stint in the NICU, both twins are home :)
This week my twins turned one month old, and after learning that this week was National Infertility Awareness Week, I think it's finally time to share my story which I've been meaning to share for awhile now. Sorry it's going to be verbose (and really not all that interesting), but mine obviously has a happy ending. ^^
My story began in 2012 when me and the husband decided we should probably stop not not trying, and start trying for a baby. Which entails downloading one of those period tracker apps. Then one day in November I realized my period was late and took a pregnancy test. It was ++++ (yes this story is still has to do with infertility so bare with me) I immediately texted the husband, called my Obgyn office to schedule an appointment, and started eating some fruit. Because that's what you do, you start eating healthy. We were elated and then less than 36 hours later I would have a miscarriage. And when it started I just second guessed the pregnancy test, thinking I must have just had a false positive and getting my period late, but man why is it so painful? why is there so much blood? Let me just take more advil. Mind you I was shooting a wedding while this all started. It didn't hit me until I got home and I knew. [side note* this could be why I stopped shooting weddings, scars.]
It's funny the moment you get that positive pregnancy test, something changes in you, which is probably the hormones, but still you mentally become a Mom. And the urge to complete that feeling becomes that much greater. Prior to my miscarriage it was trying but not really trying, after the miscarriage it was the only thing I wanted. I only knew I was pregnant for a day, before my miscarriage so even I was surprised how hard it hit me (like crying in the bathtub emotions), and how I didn't know who I could talk to. It seemed at the time it was taboo, nobody talked about it. All the while my facebook feed was a daily reminder as it was filled with baby announcements and baby photos.
It wasn't long before I had started acupuncture treatment. I had heard praises about this type of fertility treatment and I figured it would be most cost effective. The only problem was they didn't want us to try until the treatment was over. It seemed nearly a year wasted, and by the end of the year I stopped going and started trying those ovulation tests and natural supplements. Every day waiting for that damn happy face to appear. And then getting slightly excited when I thought my period was late, only to start spotting the next day. Hormones do a crazy thing to you, and so does trying to get pregnant. I turned into someone else sometimes, irritable and an overall grouch (especially to the husband, SORRY HUBS). Every month those two weeks you have to wait to see if it worked is torture. You imagine symptoms, possible early signs of pregnancy, or at least I did. You waste a ton of pregnancy tests. And then heart crushing when you get your period. And repeat.
I went through this cycle for several months before finally going to my Obgyn, got my hormones checked out, got put on meds for thyroid issues, and then clomid. I thought this is for sure going to be it. Each month they saw a few good follicles (almost eggs). We went through a few cycles with just clomid and HCG trigger shots (to drop the eggs) to no avail. My hormonal level skyrocketed even more with the drug making each cycles high and lows that much greater. Not to mention me dreading to go to the suddenly plentiful amount of baby showers and parties where everyone brought their babies. It was that age where everyone around me was having babies. And not that I wasn't happy for them, but it was just another reminder. And then everyone asking me when are we going to have kids. I mean EVERYONE. At first I laughed it off, oh we're trying alright. It's surprising how painful a simple question can be, and a reason why you shouldn't ask it. The advice would usually be worse though - Just do it more. Relax, Don't stress about it.. Ok gotcha.
After those first few cycles of clomid not working, the next step was getting the HSG test to make sure my fallopian tubes were open. Let me warn you, this test is painful. And I almost wanted the results to come back saying yes something was blocked, because why else would I not be getting pregnant.
After the all clear was given, we moved on to clomid with IUI (think turkey baster). 3 more cycles and that was it. Clomid can only be taken so long before the percentage of it working drops, and I had met that limit. And my Obgyn office could do nothing more for me. I needed to take a couple months off after that. After several champagne nights, I was ready for a consultation for IVF.
We decided to go for it. Even though insurance was not going to cover it (very few do), and yes it is ridiculously expensive. A lot of the cost is also for the meds (which are shots, yes that's plural) the process starts with pretty much a month long of shots that go in your stomach, twice a day. Then there's the all the blood tests and ultrasounds, before the major procedures (extraction, and putting the embryos in). The doctor recommended us to put 2 in for a higher success rate. It was a challenge that's for sure, the entire process is arduous, but worth it. Nine months later, and a hard pregnancy (I'll save that for another time), I'm now the mother of two precious babies.
My journey to motherhood took over 4 years, and I was an emotional wreck a lot of the time. I kept it all to myself for awhile. Your friends who haven't experienced infertility are there for you but there are just some things they don't understand, and some can inadvertently say the wrong things that your crazy emotional state just can't right now. Luckily halfway through my journey I found friends I could talk to who were also in the same boat. They really saved me on days I needed encouragement, a shoulder to cry on, or an ear to vent to. Which is why I've been wanting to share my story, because those who shared theirs really helped me.
So if you need to talk, I'm here.